Front page marriage scandal highlights meanings of marriage, family, and sexuality
A politician's son is charged with rape by a woman claiming they had a symbolic wedding- all on the evening of his engagement ceremony (right).
The Railway Minister’s, D V Sadananda Gowda, son was booked by the Bangalore Police on charges of rape and cheating. Apparently Karthik Gowda had been courting Kannada model/ actress, Mythriya Gowda, for the past four months, had a symbolic wedding with her, then and dumped her after his family objected to their relationship. Mythriya filed her complaint hours after Karthik, the only son of the Railway Minister, got engaged to a girl of his mother choice on Wednesday afternoon. This becomes a rape case because they obviously were intimate, and if he was not married to her he then falsified his intentions sexually. A warrant was issued today against him for rape.
Where was TMZ for this one?
Although this case is tainted with a taste of scandal (check out the readers’ comments in this article) it does reinforce the fact that there are multiple layers in the South Indian cultures of marriage. In our focus groups, it apparently has emerged as an example the women point to when talking about sexuality before marriage, meanings of marriage, and consequences for not following cultural norms. This is not surprising as it is important to understand that marriage is very significant and life determining event for women in India. Not simply in the same way it is for some women in the U.S. where their marriage is because they wan to have the fairytale [I lived in Georgia for 5 years where it was not unheard of for students to miss exams for wedding planning, and to see girls crying annually because their boyfriends had not proposed to them after two years of dating]. Rather, marriage is important because who your partner is determines where you will live for the rest of your life, your standard of living, what you will be able to do (e.g. continue working or school, travel), your family structure, and life choices. Your entire life trajectory is primarily determined by this one relationship.
Marriage is a Family Affair
First, when a woman marries she typically moves into her husband’s family home. Almost all of the married women I work with live in this type of arrangement; two of the others had separate homes only because the husband's career took them away from the family home in the country. This is not simply his own home, but also the home where he lives with his parents and siblings. If his brother is married, his wife and children also often live there. This also means that if you marry a man in another city or state, you have to move there. Given the time it take to travel, this may mean you don’t see your family and friends often- if at all. His life becomes your life if you are far from your home of origin. You will primarily socialize with his family, his community, and those in his caste group. Hopefully, you were accepted by his family prior to marriage. Remember, you are living in his home- with his parents and often his siblings. It could also include his siblings’ spouse and any children they have. So if you are going into a tense situation, it can become difficult having to deal with it 24/7 under one roof.
Also, as the son’s wife you expected to “run” the household under the guidance of the mother- in law. Now, the true meaning of the words “run” and “guidance” depends on the relationship between you and your mother- in- law. Typically, the addition of a daughter- in- law means that the wife becomes even more entrench in the matriarchal role. It also means all the domestic duties can shift to her daughter- in- law, who must defer to the house rules, expectations, and structures that have been already established in her husband’s family home.
This close familial arrangement helps explain why it is so easy to maintain a culture of control around dating and women’s sexuality. You are never alone in a house as there are often multiple generations and extensions of families living in the same house and next door at all times. In all the homes I visited, there were always at least two or three other people- be it family members, house workers, or friends- walking through at any time. This means very little privacy, few opportunities to “own” a space, and several eyes on you at all times.
Also, even when families are supportive of their daughters’ or wives having independence- which is more often than not- they must face how they will be looked at by their extended family and community. A “bad” girl is defined often by her violation of community or familial roles. And she not only marks herself, but her entire family. Her siblings’ ability to find a partner and marry could be directly affected by her actions. I have heard many stories from women who married their husbands because it involved “saving face” for their families when they were accused of violating cultural gender codes about male- female interactions. For example, one woman was accused of dating a friend who had simply given her a ride home. She explained, “He wasn’t the person I would have married, we were just friends. But he is a good man in the end and my in- laws are very good. But we had to marry because everyone was upset”.
Love Marriages vs. Arranged Marriages
Another interesting topic that I have been discussing is love verses arranged marriages. A love marriage means that the couple decided to marry themselves, without parental or familial involvement. This doesn’t always mean the family is against it, but it does mean that the decision does not directly include those outside the relationship. These are seen as being based upon mutual love, affection, commitment and attraction. Inter-caste marriage is mostly caused by love. Depending on the caste group, love marriages may be unpopular or frowned upon.
Arranged marriages are obviously those in which the parents or entire family find the partner for their son or daughter. Sometimes it is informally done where parents just ask around to see if you know a boy or girl that is ready to get married. One of the women told me her parents began passing her picture to friends and family members, to let them know they should contact them if they know of eligible and quality men to pair her with. More commonly now, parents use matrimonial ads, writing their own descriptions of their child and what the child is looking for.
Despite the questions we may have about it in North America, it seem like arranged marriages are preferred and continue to be the norm. An Indian online matchmaking service Truly Madly.com, surveyed 600 couples from metro cities in India and found that most would prefer their parents' choice for marriage. Further, 69% of those in the study were in arranged marriages in comparison to only 31% in love marriages. However, with the new generation becoming more and more aspirational, the trend is now shifting towards love marriages.
In one village we went to the women were talking about a young woman who entered a love marriage at the age of 13. [It should be noted when I say talking about her she was in our presence during some of the conversation- apparently, gossiping is not an event where you need worry about the person hearing you telling their business]. She now had a five year old son and three year old daughter that they were watching because she was already under stress. Her husband, who was 21 when they married (8 years older) has decided he does not want to work and took her gold necklace (equivalent to a wedding ring for us) to sell and buy alcohol. When I asked if someone was going to do anything the answer was simply “It was a love marriage”. It was then explained that in cases of love marriages the woman’s family often will not help her because she made the choice to marry the man without their input.
Again, not all love marriages are terrible and there are a range of ways they occur. It may be that the family did not initially choose the partner, but after meeting the man/ woman they approved. There are even blogs and other resources available to help you get your family to support your love marriage. Similarly, arranged marriages may be set up by families but still allow for the matched individuals to give final approval.
Again, it comes down to the familial and cultural expectations for women generally. Each woman just has to hope that these work for her as an individual.
