Push- Pull Relationships in Mysore
Mysore Railway Station Platform is the starting point for many Push- Pull relationships
I came to India to explore attitudes about dating and intimate partner violence (IPV), a key focus of my work in the United States. In just three weeks, however, I feel like I am just learning a whole new area of research. Clearly, I have to change my views of how dating in India is conceptualized, as Mysore has some unique socio- historical influences. Located in Southern India, Mysore tends to be more traditional, more relaxed, and less stressful than its more northern urban counterparts like Mumbai, New Delhi or Jaipur. Things just mosey along, moving at a slow and comfortable pace. Some have suggested that this attitude contributes to the maintenance of traditional beliefs about male and female relationships. I'm hoping to identify through my research what cultural influences like these and others shape dating and violence against women beliefs in Mysore. But after three weeks living here, beginning to realize that dating in Mysore is a complex issue that people want to explore.
Practice Participants' perceptions
My introduction to beliefs about dating in Mysore began before I even came over here. The participant recruitment flyer I had to submit to the FIU Institutional Review Board (IRB) featured a young Indian couple sitting together holding hands. Purnima vetoed the picture when I showed it to her because the couple was 1) clearly not south Indian as evidenced by their clothing and skin color, 2) looking at each other in a way that would be deemed inappropriate for unmarried individuals, and most importantly 3) would be shown holding hands- at least publically- if they lived in Mysore, as my flyer was indicating. These cultural cues really limited my flyer photo options. So I ended up using two photos- one of a lone male and one of a lone female. Both were smiling, though.
The importance of understanding the influence of culture on dating and sexuality beliefs become even more concrete when we held our focus group training workshop. For the focus group practice session we had PHRI staff members act as "practice" study participants; they were all women, over the age of 24, married, and with at least one child. Despite their age and obvious experience with the opposite sex, these women struggled with the term "dating". They argued that there was no easy definition for the word "dating" and struggled to identify what behaviors were associated with the word. There was concern about what "perceptions of dating" behaviors could potentially mean for a woman. These pratice participants basically argued that dating was not a concept that is part of their worldview. The Western world's dating frameworks were not applicable and it was something that just wasn't done, according to these women.
I found it particularly interesting that their verbal and non- verbal responses were so similar to those I observed when asking participants in my U.S. studies details about their sexual lives. The same uncomfortable reactions I sometimes receive when interviewing people about sex in the U.S. were expressed by these women talking about dating. Fortunately, they became more comfortable discussing beliefs about women's intimacy expectations, interpersonal relationship roles, and engaging in the questioning their own beliefs (yeah, qualitative research processes!). This opened the door for some of these married women to admit that they engaged in behaviors that would constitute what we call dating- although none engage in any level of intimacy or sexual expression. And since they were married to the men they did "date", this made it okay to admit to these behaviors now. I asked one of the woman if it would have been okay for a woman to engage in these "dating" behaviors with another man before she married her husband. She responded with a very vigorous head shake- NO; as she explain "No one would ever admit that".
Although these women were only five to 15 years older than our actual target participants, it ends up they are way off on understanding emerging adults' dating patterns today. For example, the PHRI practice participants were adamant that certain questions we were asking about dating were not appropriate and would not be understood by younger people. However, when we did a test focus group with a group of emerging adult males, these women were proven wrong. These young men understood all the questions we asked, and many openly acknowledged that they were or had been dating. They also shared with us that they liked to hang out in the parks, talk on the phone, go out to eat, and have personal conversations with women they consider more than just friends. Further, women their age apparently were equally as open about doing this, and often initiated these interactions. Still, having sex was not part of these young men’s definitions and expectations of dating. Rather, they stressed that dating is a casual activity that has little connection to their long term relationship plans. And according to these men, women their age feel the same way.
Both Dr. Indira, former faculty member at Mysore University and founder of the Samruddhi Foundation (SF) and Dr. Shanti of SF agree with them. But both explained that for the women this casualness may be occuring out of necessity and due to a sense of short term freedom. Many women go to university far from home, or it is the first time they are in a space independent of their parents or community. So they do "date" and have fun with the men. However, the women know that once school is over they must go back to conforming to traditional expectations of being a "good girl" that marries soon after graduation. So they have fun while they can and are away from watchful eyes.
What happens on the Push- Pull Trains stays on the Push- Pull Trains
Apparently there is this whole other "dating" culture on the Push- Pull Trains that go between Mysore and Bangalore [They are called Push- Pull Trains because the engine on the back pushes while the one on the front pulls]. The trains leave early in the mornings and late afternoons, bringing together a mix of people who cannot afford to pay for private cars. These can include garment workers, students, and other travelers trying to save some money riding these non- air conditioned commuter trains.
The entire Push- Pull "courtship" or dating experience takes place from when they board to when they get off. As there are only about 18 stops in this two hour journey, the couple has a lot of time to interact with each other. But their dating behaviors are not what we may expect to see when riding the subways, Go Trains, or VIA (a Toronto reference). These Push- Pull couples are more likely to have intimate conversations, engage in casual touching and share a closeness with their bodies when seated together. Rarely is there even hand holding- that would be seen as very naughty and problematic. However, everyone knows when the tunnels are coming; as the train passes through the tunnel darkness it is not uncommon to hear a quick kiss.
These Push- Pull connections are not simply short term hook ups for a ride or two; rather, the relationship but may go on for a few months or couple of years. Still, there is no expectation of a significantly long term commitment leading to marriage. For this reason it is not uncommon to find cross- caste connections. There are a few cases where the Push- Pull connections led to marital planning- but they seem to be tragic stories of cross caste attempts that end with a passing comment about families attacking the groom and/ or the women attempting suicide when families denounce the marriage.
So far everyone I have met seems interested in talking about these topics and participating in the study. Hopefully, this means that some of these dating dynamics I am trying to sort through will become clearer and easier to flush out after my study data collection is completed. Beyond the focus on intimate partner violence, there are many questions we ask about dating attitudes, gender roles, caste, religious influence, and relationship expectations. Between the quantitative and qualitative data being collected, I'm fairly certain we're going to find some interesting things.
